Joke's on You
by DopplerGirl
Summary: "Macey will say anything to make herself feel better about dating you."/"I think I'm gonna name my kid something cool, like Lightning or Bullet." In which two guys find a unidentified pregnancy test. One-shot. Drabble.


**Disclaimer- Je ne suis pas Ally Carter, (nor am I any good at French)**

* * *

Zach- Regular

_Preston- Italics_

_"Oh, the agony."_

"Shut up."

_"My stomach is going to explode."_

"I told you not to eat all those hot dogs."

_"I had too. Bex said I was too skinny to ever eat more than five. I couldn't back down."_

"You _were _too skinny to eat more than five hot dogs."

_"Well...yeah, but... Macey says skinny's the new sexy."_

"Macey will say anything to make herself feel better about dating you."

_"Harsh. What shit in your cornflakes?"_

_"_You're such an idiot."

_"Rude."_

"Shouldn't the nurse be here. I mean, this is the Hospital Wing."

_"Haha, you just said Hospital Wing."_

"So?"

_"Soooooooo, Harry Potter! You can't say shit like 'Hospital Wing' and "Owls' anymore without it being like a total reference."_

"If I wasn't afraid of you vomiting on me, I would punch you in the stomach."

_"Geez, take a Midol already."_

"..."

"Where's the nurse. If I have to listen to you complain for one more minute about you're aching stomach-"

"_Yeah, yeah, I get it. You'll use your badass ninja training skills and castrate me before throwing the large remains to sharks. You spy people are kind of predictable."_

_"_Who said anything about large?"

_"Your mother did last- hey what's that?_"

"Gross, don't reach into the trash can."

_"Relax, you whiny son of a- fuck."_

_"_Who says son of a fuck?"

_"It's a pregnancy test. And its positive."_

"_Fuck._"

_"..."_

"_Do you think its Cammie's__?"_

"Who said I've had sex?"

_"Oh please, even the teachers know. Cammie's a screamer."_

"That could be someone else with her."

_"She's your girlfriend."_

"So."

_"And there's a pack of condoms sticking out of your pocket."_

"Those were planted there."

_"You just can't admit anything can you"_

"Okay, fine. We did the nasty. Doesn't mean its Cammie's test. What about you and the Ice Bitch?"

_"I'm not a fool, I wrap my tool."_

"I do too. And Cammie's been on the pill since she bought her first bra."

_"So has Mace. An_d y_ou know, its possible its not one of ours."_

"We go to an all girls school, dumbass! There's like half a dozen guys here, and we're the only sexually active ones."

_"What about Headmistress Morgan and Solomon?"_

"Joe's in a wheelchair. I doubt his genitalia is fully functional right now."

_"I hear Buckingham and Fibs are getting busy."_

"Doubt it. Rumor has it, Fibs' got his 'fun parts' cut off in an awkward love triangle involving an Australian snake tamer and a Russian prostitute."

_"Damn. And I thought Macey was rough."_

_"..."_

"I bet it's yours."

_"Yeah, right. Just cuz you're 'I'm so awesome Zachary Goode', it can't be you."_

"Exactly."

"_Do needles make you nervous?"_

"No, why?"

_"I'd be afraid of them if I were you. They might pop your gigantic ego."_

"Haha."

_"Anyway, better Cammie than Macey."_

_"_Because Macey's maternal instincts are equivalent to that of a rabid male horse?"

_"Uh, that and... Cammie's rack would look great with pregnancy boo- OW!"_

_"..."_

_"Zach?"_

"Yes?"

_"Where's the nurse."_

"Hell, if I know."

"_My stomach still hurts.__"_

"Get over it."

"_And I don't want to be a dad."_

"Should have wrapped it before you tapped it."

_"You're an ass."_

"What did you say? You want my ass? Sorry, that's Cam's property."

_"...Good one."_

"Thank you."

"..."

_"I think I'm gonna name my kid something cool. Like Lightning or Bullet."_

_"_Those sounds like bad stripper names. And I thought you didn't want a kid?"

_"I don't. But wouldn't that be the coolest name ever- Lightning Winters."_

"I'd name mine Richard. That way, if I'm ever pissed, I can call him a Dick without getting in trouble.

_"That is messed up on so many different levels."_

_"..."_

_"Do you think I'd be a good daddy."_

_"_Based on your terrorist father and whore-ish mother? Eh."

"_You're mother's way worse of a terrorist than my dad. And my mom... okay, yeah she's a whore."_

"My mom never ran for political office."

_"That just makes him the smarter terrorist. Not the crazier one."_

_"_Are we seriously going to argue over this."

_"You called me a bad father. I have to defend my honor."_

"One, you don't have a kid yet. And two, I never said you'd be a bad father."

_"Zach! Was that almost a compliment?"_

"No."

_"Yes it was! Admit it, you love me."_

"I'll admit I'm going to hurt you if you don't let me go in the next three seconds."

_"There, there Zachy. Everything's okay. I know you're just pushing me away because you ca-OW!"_

"Told you."

"..."

"Oh look, the nurse is coming."

_"Finally, my stomach's killing."_

"I never would have guessed."

_"Whatever. You think she'll tell us whose it is?"_

"Probably. I'm very persuasive."

_"True. Good luck._

"Ditto."

"..."

_"Huh. I did not see that coming."_

"Anna Fetterman got knocked up? Who knew she had it in her."

_"I'm just glad it's not Macey. I've never been so scared."_

"I have, but my childhood was shit so..."

_"Yeah. I'm definitely going to be more careful from now on."_

"Same."

_"Where are you going? I thought we could get some celebratory ice-cream, and then play the new black ops."_

_"_Sorry. I'm gonna go find Cam and have my own celebration."

_"Yes, cuz nothing says 'Thank God you aren't pregnant' like starting the process over again."_

"You know it."

"..."

"..."

"..."

_"Ah fuck it, where's Macey."_

* * *

**That was kinda shitty. But I'm posting it anyway, because I haven't written a comedy in a while. And I was just in the mood to write something stupid and pointless. So here's my awkward, inappropriate humor for you to enjoy. I don't know if this should be M or not... I don't think so... But if you think I should change the rating, just PM me, and I'll do it, no problem. Anyway, if you didn't understand all the crap dialogue that just went down: Anna Fetterman was the preggo one (anyone remember her bf Carl?) and then Preston and Zach both went to get laid. We good? Review!**

**~Sarah**


End file.
